Heli eng

Free from a life as a witch!

 

I was fully convinced that black magic, that we practised was a reality. But what kind of forces were there behind this spiritual world?

 

WAS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PECKING ORDER IN THE CLASS

Early in young years I came in contact with the occult, that in the end was about to destroy my whole life.

I was eight years old, when we moved from Finland to Sweden.To come to a foreign country, whose language you can’t speak and to start in school, when you don’t understand a word of what is being said is a difficult change for anyone. For me it was a complete disaster. I understand very well, the immigrants- & refugeechildren that have a hard time in many ways, when they can’t use the language in a, for themselves, satisfying way. Instead you use the body language, which sometimes can have sad consequences, fights for example.

Since I didn’t understood a single word of what my teacher or my classmates was saying, I was unsecure, shy and timid. After just a few days in the new school, I had become at the bottom of the pecking order in the class. This developed to real bullying. I was totally ignored by the girls and the guys pushed and hit me whenever they could. Why did everyone wanted to hurt me? Was it because I didn’t spoke the same language or was it something else that was wrong with me? I was filled with questions inboard.

 

PAIN IN MY STOMACH EVERY MORNING

No adult reacted to that I was ganged up on in class, which could depend on that they did not really saw how bad I was hurt. Back then the word bullying hardly existed, which is a big difference than how it is today, when bullying is lively discussed on different schools all over our country. Finally I had pain in my stomach every morning when it was time to go to school.

A unpleasant feeling of anguish filled me and the only thing I looked forward to was the evening, when I could creep down under the bedspread. Into the safety where no one could reach me. After some years of daily harassments, I was so filled with hate against my classmates that it just broke for me. I started to fight back.

After all I was biggest of all to the size, which was a big advantage. I was physically stronger than my tormentors. My two younger brothers helped me to read a lesson to all that had hit me. The bullying came to an end, but I never got any real friends in the class. Instead I started to hang with friends that were some years older than me.

 

”THE SPIRIT IN THE GLASS”

My mother was a christian, which meant that my growing up was imprinted by Sunday school and churchvisits. When I had come up to the age of thirteen, I decided to not have anything to do with mother’s God. Then I viewed Christianity as something boring, and filled with regulations. Everything that was funny was sin and you should have as boring as possible, I thought. The years of bullying had put their marks in my inner. I was broken inside, had low self-esteem and felt a great void inside me. Some older friends had started with ”the spirit in the glass”. It seemed exciting when they told me about the game. I decided to join them and test it. To be really sure that none of the others were bluffing, I asked exact questions with answers that only I could know. To my great surprise it worked. That glas that was being used, moved in its ”own” power from one letter to another and gave me the answers I was looking for. ”This was cool”, I thought. Maybe I had got hold of something that would give the existence the excitement and the meaning I was looking for.

 

SATANISM

Now began a time of more and more occult activities for my part. I devoured all occult litterature that I could get over, which wasn’t so much at that time. Today, most bookstores have a great amount of occult books of different kinds. Since I was wideopen for everything that was supernatural, I was like a magnet that was drawn to people that practised these things.

By a coincidence I met some older youngsters that were into satanism. Their ideology appealed to me: ”Do as you want, as long as it makes you feel well. If you yourself reach your own goals it doesn’t matter if you run over others. The strong will conquer the weak, that must be eliminated”, and so on. And ideology of total selfishness, where I could be strong and look down on other people. I didn’t had to feel inferior any more.

After a while it showed, that these youngsters not only had an ideology of selfishness, but also practised it in different ways. I was drawn into these, what I then thought, exciting activities.

 

I WAS DEDICATED TO BE A WITCH

For many years I had been ganged up on in class , but now I had the chance to take revenge on my tormentors by putting curses on them. Voodoo was an effective way to get revenge. I saw very obviously how these unseen curses hit the people that were being exposed to voodoo. At the same time as I was fascinated of a supernatural spiritworld, it felt a little spooky. I was totally convinced that black magic, which was practised was a reality.

But what kind of forces was it behind this spiritual world? It surely wasn’t mom’s God anyway. I was completely sure of that. After all there were a great deal of the Sunday school teachings that was stuck in the memory. I had heard about a God that is good and a devil that is evil. They were anti-pols to each other. Probably it was the devil, that according to the christians is evil, who was the power behind the magic we were practising. Gradually I got more and more insight into the spiritworld I had devoted myself to.

The day I was dedicated to be a witch, I renounced everything that had to do with christianity. I firmly believed that my life would be a success, that I should succeed in all I did. And the spiritworld should protect me, if I did what was pleasing to my master, Satan. But no matter how much I filled myself with occult activities, like astraltravels (experiences outside the body), there was still a nagging unrest inside me. The emptiness in my inner just became bigger for each day.

 

SEDATIVE DRUGS AND MORPHINE

Finally I started to use sedative drugs and morphine to get rid of the anguish that was growing inside me. Since drugs only can ease for the moment, it was no good solution. In the 20’s I got a child with my husband, who I had get married to a few years earlier. He was not at all initiated in satanism, but had problems with alcohol and drugs instead. The marriage broke up after some years, and I got the care of the son Mikael. Now I had a new mission, to raise Mikael to a good satanist right from the start. Just as christians see it as natural to teach their children about their religion, it was just as natural to me to teach my son the ideology that I believed in. But life didn’t really turned out as I expected.

Already from first class Michael had problems in school. He was aggressive against the teachers and against everyone that wanted to rule over him. Both I and my son felt worse and worse.

 

MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED

I wanted to break with satanism, because it made me more and more depressed. Life felt like a big darkness, that I couldn’t break out from. Was there anything or anyone that could help me? My thoughts started to go back to the God I had heard of in young years. Could he help me? Would he hear me if I prayed to him? I didn’t really knew if I dared to try, cause I believed that the dark forces were stronger than the God of Christianity.

Finally I picked up courage and did a try. ”If you hear me and if you can help me, then show it in some way”, I prayed. Immediately I got a strong thought ”Go to the Pentecostal church, now at the moment.”Never in my life, I thought. If God should speak to me, he should upon my word send an angel. But, what if it was God that gave me the thought. Then I couldn’t afford to miss it, I thought, and off I went. The service had already began when I came in, and the Pastor stood in the front behind the pulpit ready to start his preaching. I sat down on the back of the church.

Then something happened. The Pastor said that he just had received a message from God to someone in the congregation. What he said, corresponded exactly with my situation, in to the smallest detail. I understood that God had heard me and answered my prayer. He cared for me!

 

THE JESUS OF THE BIBLE

After this event things started to fall into place, just like a puzzle. I got in touch with christian people that helped me and Mikael to get away to a place where we got help with our problems. We stayed at a christian family, that helped us to find the way back to God.

After my decision to believe in the Jesus of the Bible, as God’s son and my personal saviour, I felt that the dark dissapeared and the light filled my inner. Life got meaning and substance. The emptiness that I had always felt was filled with the love of God.

 

REMARRIED WITH THE SAME MAN

Today I am remarried with Mikaels father, who also has had his life changed by God. Nowadays I talk about my life and warn for all kinds of occult. I speak on different places and for all agegroups.

One thing I know for sure: Jesus can change any situation no matter how hopeless it looks!

 

/Heli